Reader Question: What Do Men Want In A Woman?

From a reader: “What do men want in a woman?”

 

Would you mind asking me something slightly less complicated…like multi-variable calculus?

The short and unattractive answer is: it depends.

 

It does! Let’s take three different former roommates of mine and I, and we’ll compare/contrast the four of us.

 

Therefore, we’re going to work with George, Darien, Adam, and myself.

 

George wants a partner; an equal. Someone who has very identical views to himself and will want to spend plenty of time together. George is a vampire geek. He can tell you about all sorts of vampire lore. Some of it is really fascinating…but not to me. Looks are not important to George, and he is pretty low-maintenance. I never heard him talk about how intelligent he wants his partner to be, so I can’t really talk about that.

 

Darien is a more submissive person. His fiancée Michelle is strong-willed. While Darien wants to see parts of the world, but Michelle is quite happy (thank you very much) in the rural town she grew up in. Darien will always acquiesce to his S.O., and is already making plans to obtain a position that will allow him to work within an hour or so of there. Both are nerdy/geeky and have their interests that they can pursue independently or not. Darien got lucky; this relationship pretty much fell into his lap.

 

Adam is in charge. Always. He’s no ‘a woman’s place is in the kitchen’ type of person, but he calls the shots, wears the pants, AND cuts the cheese. He wants a woman who is a virgin and is deeply religious. He’s a Calvinist, and while he’ll make an exception and be willing to date an Episcopalian or maybe even a Catholic, he will never ever consider a Protestant.  Adam has precise political and religious views; any woman he dates or even marries must be willing to assimilate to him. Her input will be cursory at best in the relationship.

 

I’m looking for an equal. A woman who is anywhere between almost as smart to much smarter than I am. This comes from a long history of women who were not intelligent, and I realized that I have to have a woman who can keep up with me. More than that, I want to be challenged. I want someone who has her own interests; maybe some will intersect with my own, but we both can give the other the freedom to go out, learn something new, and come back.

 

I am a “toucher” – I want to hold hands and kiss. Call me immature, but those are among my favorite parts of a relationship. I am vain, and would like my mate – my lover – to be physically attractive to me. Of all of the relationships I’ve had, I remember most of the kissing and hand-holding. I want someone who will want to take the camera out to the park and take pointless photos.

I want a woman who will take me out of my comfort zone, but know when I’m too far out.

 

This information, while telling, does not help you – you aren’t trying to date me or the guys I just listed. I listed off four men, and each are different. Men, especially the introverted, are told to look for women where they themselves would want to be found. While I would love to find myself with a video gamer girlfriend, that’s not exactly what I want. We’re told to go to museums, the bar (I can’t tell you how many places tell men to find women at ‘the bar’), just ‘out.’

 

Men are also told that women don’t want to be asked out all the time. Some want to be friends first, some don’t. What I am getting at here is this: if you feel like dating has sent you up a river without a clue, so are men.

 

Of the many men I talk to about dating, they would like a little more bluntness. The best advice I can give is to go on a speed date. Ask men what they want in a woman.

 

Caveat: this question is really vague. Men will answer with the first thing that comes to their mind unless they have been asked this 1000 times. Be specific. Ask about their world views, the favorite place they visited.

 

As you ask this question (What do you seek in a woman?) you will get answers with all the colors of the rainbow. Treat this like an experiment. The more you ask, the more you should be learning about how to ask the question. Unfortunately, I can’t get more specific than that. I hope that gives you some better insight.