My husband and I have been married for a long time. We both have demanding jobs and kids. Our sex life for the last few years has been extremely routine. My husband loves receiving oral sex so I always give. He really loves it when a woman talks dirty to him. I'm not good at it (I'm very self-conscious because I feel like I'll end up saying the same two or three things over and over again) but I've been watching more porn and reading erotic stories so that I can give him what he needs. Here's where the real problem comes in. I have been begging for years for him to perform oral sex on me but he refuses because he doesn't enjoy giving it. I have also asked to experiment with some light S&M (spanking, tying my wrists/ankles, etc.) and he still refuses to even try. It's not fair that I try to make him happy but he doesn't even try for me. Am I missing something? Help!
Since this question is so important and so interesting, two of our contributors wanted to answer it.
From a guy (Maes York):
If hubby isn't willing to change, you're mostly out of luck. All of this depends on him, here. Making him do it isn't going to change his opinion. It's clear you've been willing to change for him (and good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone!) but he needs to reciprocate. If I were in your shoes, I'd withhold oral sex until a proper change happens."
From a girl (Crystal P. Rogers):
I don’t think you’re missing anything at all, in fact I think that he’s the one that’s missing something. He’s missing the opportunity to please his wife (which should be important in a marriage) and he must not realize if you’re turned on, the sex he receives will be even better! Often women go out of their way and outside of their own comfort zones to please their partners. The wonderful thing about this situation is it can be a real opportunity for you because sometimes the woman ends up finding something pleasurable in it and discovers ways she didn’t know would turn her on. However, the problem arises, as in your case, when you have a partner who is unwilling to step outside HIS comfort zone to please you. I agree with you wholeheartedly that this is not fair. But with that being said, the real question is what are you willing to do about it??
I love the fact that you are already taking initiative and watching movies and reading erotic stories. I would definitely continue to do that. I hope that you are getting some pleasure from them. There are all of types of books and movies out there these days. In fact, there are some movies that are made for women by women. These types tend to be a bit softer and are much more romantic and emotional as opposed to the hard core porn that focuses on the so-called “money shot.” These types of “women movies” may help you move easier into more porn and help you continue to get more comfortable talking dirty to your husband.
What about sharing the movies with him? Do the two of you watch porno together? Perhaps watching them together would get him to open up bit more with pleasuring you. For example, sometimes my partner and I will pull out our favorite porno movie and role play by acting out the scenes while they are playing out on the screen. If you used them, when the movie gets to the part where the woman is getting oral pleasure or is being tied up, do you think your husband will stay in character and play along with you? Or keeping with the role playing theme, what about finding some erotic stories that have the female character getting what you want done in them? Explore role playing with him and if he’s willing, arrange a date night with him. Leave the book with a bookmark to a particular page. Have props nearby to set the scene and make the room look like the one in the story. Acting out the scene can be a little strange at first and make you laugh a bit. I found this breaks the ice and allows you to not be so serious and nervous about the performance.
Another idea to move you away from the routine is using toys. Have you ever thought about or used toys? You can use them both with and without your husband. For example, there are of course millions of different toys, dildos, costumes, vibrators and games out there for the trying. I’m kind of adventurous so I have all kinds of stuff to choose from. Here are a couple for you to think about: 1. Sex dice allow you to roll them with one die telling you to lick, nibble bite, or blow…and the other die will tell you the part of the body to use. So a roll of the dice may say,
lick nipples. 2. Vibrators come in different types, sizes and with varying speeds. My favorite is the bullet. It’s small and allows me and/or my partner to speed it up or slow it down according to my heightening excitement. There are times when I use the bullet alone without my partner. During business trips, for example, we use the bullet as the 3rd member in our phone sex sessions!
I think the bottom line is communication. You didn’t say in your posting, but have you had an honest and frank discussion with your husband as to his unwillingness to meet you half way? Perhaps he’s not open to new things because he’s not confident about your reaction or his ability to please you. Perhaps he had a bad experience in his past where he was embarrassed by his performance. While all marriages go through ebbs and flows with careers and children, and other responsibilities, the two constants have to be the wife and husband. Without the two of you, there is no marriage. Further, routine sex can become the catalyst for infidelity and marital discord. I think I would sit my husband down with a bottle of wine and tell him you are concerned about your physical intimacy and that you don’t want to lose that part of your relationship. Express to him that you want to make him happy and also you would like to explore new things with him to spice up your sex life. Tell him that you want to relive those early honeymoon days (or if you didn’t have that kind of exciting sex life, tell him you want to breathe new life into the marriage by “Bringing Sexy Back!”)
I hope that you will keep in contact with me (and the other readers) and let me know how things are going. I have plenty of ideas and opinions that I’d be happy to share with you. Until then, here’s to many future sexy adventures!
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