Reader Question: Porn

A reader submitted this to us: "She thinks that when he watches porn alone it's cheating but he thinks she's crazy. How do we handle the impasse?"

Disclosure: I'm sex-positive, and I see a use for pornography, masturbation, etc. I'm also a 'everything in moderation' person, so just know that before we go any further. Only my pastor when I was growing up thinks that sex is a dirty, filthy act that should only be shared with the one woman you love (remember: pastor said this; not I.)

There could be more than one thing going on here, so the first thing I'd do is some role-reversal: how would I feel if my girlfriend is watching porn without me? Because I don't want funny business with pronouns later in this article, "She" will now be called "Alice."

Well...curious is what it would make me. I'd first want to know what kind of porn it is. Straight? Homosexual? BDSM? You get the idea. Now as a man, it's my predisposition to ask a direct question: "Why do you feel you have to watch porn with me? Is there something you see in the porno that you'd like me to do?"

Whenever I see a pornography problem, my immediate thought is, 'What's missing in the relationship?' My current girlfriend is okay with my use of porn because we aren't having sex; she knows I'm not cheating on her, but also knows I'll come back to her.

So back to the question at hand. If "Alice" equates watching porn alone with cheating, and I were dating her, I'd be asking her questions. Let's remember right now that you want to ask 'the right' questions. In my experience, the direct question is never the underlying problem.

So "Alice" thinks this is cheating. So I'd first want to find out 'why' she thinks it's cheating. It could be someone "Alice" dated before cheated on her or with her. It could be that "Alice" has never encountered porn. It's a weird scary world of pornography if you don't know what you're looking for.

Personally, I think porn is okay as long as you know that the people and characters aren't real. No one really acts like that. Not every pizza delivery boy is an incredibly horny attractive male willing to have sex with equally attractive, eligible bachelorettes. Twins are not looking for anyone with a penis (or other female twins).

Speaking of not realistic, there may be an inadequacy element here. After all, who can compete with the people in porn? Very pretty, well-endowed (both genders), ready-for-sexy time people competing with Jane or John Public? No, thank you. I don't want to compete, and I never could if I wanted to. If this is the actual problem, "Alice" needs assurance you find her more attractive. That's a small minefield, btw, so pick your words precisely if you choose to go this route.

Watching pornography isn't cheating, but watching it when your significant other said 'no' is a problem. Maybe it's time you and "Alice" have a talk about how much sex you're having (or lack thereof). When someone tells me that porn is a problem, my very first instinct is to talk. I recommend that for you and "Alice."