Male Chauvinism‏

I sat down with a group of friends this week. There were about 7 of us total, but only 2 were women.

 

The conversation gravitated towards the taste the men have in women. I personally tried avoiding talking about physical traits for two reasons: first is that it doesn’t matter how hot a woman is to me – if she isn’t smart I’m not going to remain interested in her. Second reason was that every OTHER guy there was going to cover my interests and I don’t like conversational circle-jerks.

Gentle reader, if you are curious what I am interested in, you’ll have to ask me specifically. I’m not answering that here. Someone mentioned breasts, someone mentioned Asians and/or blondes, I think one person had it bad for women with large asses. Again, I refrained from talking about my interests.

The two women in the group? To be blunt, they were mostly flat, weren’t Asian or blonde. I’m not going to publicly admit if I saw their asses or not.

After the last guy finished talking, someone tried to change the subject. I immediately had to stop them right the fuck there. We pretty much just talked about women as if two weren’t sitting right there!

Chalk it up to school bullying or something, but I don’t like that.

Though none of us stood up, pointed a finger at the two women and said “WE DECLARE YOU UGLY” that was the message they were given. Now the two women in question declined to chime in with men they find attractive.

So what am I getting at? There are simple, almost stupid things men do that could easily NOT be stupid.

In this case, giving women a chance to be chauvinist. Remember that a chauvinist is merely one who is showing or relating to such excessive or prejudiced support or loyalty. Anyone can be a chauvinist.

Give women a chance to be just as chauvinist as you. It’s actually just as fun. In my opinion, it’s perfectly fine to talk about people when they’re right in front of you – because the opposite is behind their back, and where I grew up (America, thank you very much) that’s pretty rude.

The only thing more rude in this context is to talk about people as if they aren’t there – unless there’s some new dom/sub relationship dynamic happening that I’m COMPLETELY unaware of. 

So the next time you’re talking boobs in front of a women you are/aren’t married to, ask her what she likes in a dude. It’s one less step in being an asshole.

Reader Question - Fair is Fair?

My husband and I have been married for a long time. We both have demanding jobs and kids. Our sex life for the last few years has been extremely routine. My husband loves receiving oral sex so I always give. He really loves it when a woman talks dirty to him. I'm not good at it (I'm very self-conscious because I feel like I'll end up saying the same two or three things over and over again) but I've been watching more porn and reading erotic stories so that I can give him what he needs. Here's where the real problem comes in. I have been begging for years for him to perform oral sex on me but he refuses because he doesn't enjoy giving it. I have also asked to experiment with some light S&M (spanking, tying my wrists/ankles, etc.) and he still refuses to even try. It's not fair that I try to make him happy but he doesn't even try for me. Am I missing something? Help!

Since this question is so important and so interesting, two of our contributors wanted to answer it.

From a guy (Maes York):

If hubby isn't willing to change, you're mostly out of luck. All of this depends on him, here. Making him do it isn't going to change his opinion. It's clear you've been willing to change for him (and good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone!) but he needs to reciprocate. If I were in your shoes, I'd withhold oral sex until a proper change happens."

From a girl (Crystal P. Rogers):

I don’t think you’re missing anything at all, in fact I think that he’s the one that’s missing something.  He’s missing the opportunity to please his wife (which should be important in a marriage) and he must not realize if you’re turned on, the sex he receives will be even better!  Often women go out of their way and outside of their own comfort zones to please their partners.  The wonderful thing about this situation is it can be a real opportunity for you because sometimes the woman ends up finding something pleasurable in it and discovers ways she didn’t know would turn her on.  However, the problem arises, as in your case, when you have a partner who is unwilling to step outside HIS comfort zone to please you.  I agree with you wholeheartedly that this is not fair.  But with that being said, the real question is what are you willing to do about it??

I love the fact that you are already taking initiative and watching movies and reading erotic stories.  I would definitely continue to do that.  I hope that you are getting some pleasure from them.  There are all of types of books and movies out there these days.  In fact, there are some movies that are made for women by women.  These types tend to be a bit softer and are much more romantic and emotional as opposed to the hard core porn that focuses on the so-called “money shot.”  These types of “women movies” may help you move easier into more porn and help you continue to get more comfortable talking dirty to your husband.  

What about sharing the movies with him?  Do the two of you watch porno together?  Perhaps watching them together would get him to open up bit more with pleasuring you.  For example, sometimes my partner and I will pull out our favorite porno movie and role play by acting out the scenes while they are playing out on the screen. If you used them, when the movie gets to the part where the woman is getting oral pleasure or is being tied up, do you think your husband will stay in character and play along with you? Or keeping with the role playing theme, what about finding some erotic stories that have the female character getting what you want done in them? Explore role playing with him and if he’s willing, arrange a date night with him.  Leave the book with a bookmark to a particular page.  Have props nearby to set the scene and make the room look like the one in the story. Acting out the scene can be a little strange at first and make you laugh a bit. I found this breaks the ice and allows you to not be so serious and nervous about the performance.  

Another idea to move you away from the routine is using toys.  Have you ever thought about or used toys?  You can use them both with and without your husband.  For example, there are of course millions of different toys, dildos, costumes, vibrators and games out there for the trying.  I’m kind of adventurous so I have all kinds of stuff to choose from.  Here are a couple for you to think about: 1.  Sex dice allow you to roll them with one die telling you to lick, nibble bite, or blow…and the other die will tell you the part of the body to use.  So a roll of the dice may say,
lick nipples.  2.  Vibrators come in different types, sizes and with varying speeds.  My favorite is the bullet.  It’s small and allows me and/or my partner to speed it up or slow it down according to my heightening excitement. There are times when I use the bullet alone without my partner.  During business trips, for example, we use the bullet as the 3rd member in our phone sex sessions!

I think the bottom line is communication. You didn’t say in your posting, but have you had an honest and frank discussion with your husband as to his unwillingness to meet you half way? Perhaps he’s not open to new things because he’s not confident about your reaction or his ability to please you.  Perhaps he had a bad experience in his past where he was embarrassed by his performance.  While all marriages go through ebbs and flows with careers and children, and other responsibilities, the two constants have to be the wife and husband.  Without the two of you, there is no marriage.  Further, routine sex can become the catalyst for infidelity and marital discord.  I think I would sit my husband down with a bottle of wine and tell him you are concerned about your physical intimacy and that you don’t want to lose that part of your relationship.  Express to him that you want to make him happy and also you would like to explore new things with him to spice up your sex life.  Tell him that you want to relive those early honeymoon days (or if you didn’t have that kind of exciting sex life, tell him you want to breathe new life into the marriage by “Bringing Sexy Back!”)

I hope that you will keep in contact with me (and the other readers) and let me know how things are going.  I have plenty of ideas and opinions that I’d be happy to share with you.  Until then, here’s to many future sexy adventures!

Adultery

I think that often times the fear of getting caught is more exciting to some people than the physical act of adultery.

I believe that I may have fallen into that classification myself. I didn't go looking for an affair, but the lack of intimacy at home weakened me to a state where I couldn't refuse. I take full responsibility for my own actions, but I also know that infidelity requires three people. And I don't mean in a fantasy satisfying menage a trois type of way.

I was seduced by a young lady that wanted to be with me regardless of my marital status. I guess she saw something in me that my spouse did not. 

At the risk of sounding like a trashy romance novel, what we experienced for over a year was a steamy, passionate affair. I had gotten to a point where I saw more of a future with the mistress than with the misses and I was looking forward to a time that it may happen permanently. 

I had been with the wife since high school and I was ignorant of any other serious relationships. A cowards way I know, but I was not willing to break the heart of someone that I had been with and in love with for so long. I was secretly wishing she would leave me.

Then something happened. I don't know if it was a sense of a renewed libido, or the I don't care air about me that I adopted, but desire re-entered my home. It was like when we were dating. Two animals ravaging each other at every opportunity. It didn't happen all at once, but it built up into something I needed all along.

The affair continued up until learning that my spouse was pregnant and I became a born again monogamist by making a decision to dedicate my life to her and the baby. It dawned on me some time later that her renewed interest in me was probably solely based on her desire to reproduce.

In the opening line I mentioned the risk of discovery was more exciting than the actual sex. I was able to confirm this in my own mind and through a little self reflection found it to be true for me.

There finally came a time, long after it was over and I changed, when my bride found out by my unfaithfulness. The marriage was lost forever and the divorce ensued. 

I worked with the mistress, so even after we were through with our physical relationship, we remained friends and talked daily. As soon as she found out that my marriage was all but over, we attempted to rekindle what we had shared so many years before. We met up and were intimate, for the last time.

Thankfully the guilt was gone, but the spark was gone too. I had no desire to be with her and did not wish to continue any type of relationship. She was upset with me for this and subsequently moved several states away. We never spoke again.
The lustful passion and the desire to be with her in more than a physical way had disappeared even though the sex was still phenomenal.

On a side note, I broke three hearts with that whole ordeal and it definitely wasn't worth it. It was one of the worst things I did in my life, however, I would have never found the woman of my dreams and current wife without it.

Reader Question: What Do Men Want In A Woman?

From a reader: “What do men want in a woman?”

 

Would you mind asking me something slightly less complicated…like multi-variable calculus?

The short and unattractive answer is: it depends.

 

It does! Let’s take three different former roommates of mine and I, and we’ll compare/contrast the four of us.

 

Therefore, we’re going to work with George, Darien, Adam, and myself.

 

George wants a partner; an equal. Someone who has very identical views to himself and will want to spend plenty of time together. George is a vampire geek. He can tell you about all sorts of vampire lore. Some of it is really fascinating…but not to me. Looks are not important to George, and he is pretty low-maintenance. I never heard him talk about how intelligent he wants his partner to be, so I can’t really talk about that.

 

Darien is a more submissive person. His fiancée Michelle is strong-willed. While Darien wants to see parts of the world, but Michelle is quite happy (thank you very much) in the rural town she grew up in. Darien will always acquiesce to his S.O., and is already making plans to obtain a position that will allow him to work within an hour or so of there. Both are nerdy/geeky and have their interests that they can pursue independently or not. Darien got lucky; this relationship pretty much fell into his lap.

 

Adam is in charge. Always. He’s no ‘a woman’s place is in the kitchen’ type of person, but he calls the shots, wears the pants, AND cuts the cheese. He wants a woman who is a virgin and is deeply religious. He’s a Calvinist, and while he’ll make an exception and be willing to date an Episcopalian or maybe even a Catholic, he will never ever consider a Protestant.  Adam has precise political and religious views; any woman he dates or even marries must be willing to assimilate to him. Her input will be cursory at best in the relationship.

 

I’m looking for an equal. A woman who is anywhere between almost as smart to much smarter than I am. This comes from a long history of women who were not intelligent, and I realized that I have to have a woman who can keep up with me. More than that, I want to be challenged. I want someone who has her own interests; maybe some will intersect with my own, but we both can give the other the freedom to go out, learn something new, and come back.

 

I am a “toucher” – I want to hold hands and kiss. Call me immature, but those are among my favorite parts of a relationship. I am vain, and would like my mate – my lover – to be physically attractive to me. Of all of the relationships I’ve had, I remember most of the kissing and hand-holding. I want someone who will want to take the camera out to the park and take pointless photos.

I want a woman who will take me out of my comfort zone, but know when I’m too far out.

 

This information, while telling, does not help you – you aren’t trying to date me or the guys I just listed. I listed off four men, and each are different. Men, especially the introverted, are told to look for women where they themselves would want to be found. While I would love to find myself with a video gamer girlfriend, that’s not exactly what I want. We’re told to go to museums, the bar (I can’t tell you how many places tell men to find women at ‘the bar’), just ‘out.’

 

Men are also told that women don’t want to be asked out all the time. Some want to be friends first, some don’t. What I am getting at here is this: if you feel like dating has sent you up a river without a clue, so are men.

 

Of the many men I talk to about dating, they would like a little more bluntness. The best advice I can give is to go on a speed date. Ask men what they want in a woman.

 

Caveat: this question is really vague. Men will answer with the first thing that comes to their mind unless they have been asked this 1000 times. Be specific. Ask about their world views, the favorite place they visited.

 

As you ask this question (What do you seek in a woman?) you will get answers with all the colors of the rainbow. Treat this like an experiment. The more you ask, the more you should be learning about how to ask the question. Unfortunately, I can’t get more specific than that. I hope that gives you some better insight.

Addiction...

I need sex. I want sex at all times and it has disrupted my life in the past, but I don't see myself as a sex addict.

Now to be honest, I may just be playing mind games with myself but what I have doesn't fit my definition of addiction. 

An addict has an appetite that cannot be satisfied and never will be.

I need, want, and have to have sex on an extremely regular basis but I have been monogamous for the last five years. I don't need to have sex with everyone that I see, as long as I get my fill with my partner. I do have self control.

I look at it like I am an alcoholic that only drinks one brand. If that brand is not available,  I will not drink anything else and will just wait. There can come a time when you cannot get that brand, you may select another. You still don't try every drink in the bar, you just select another brand. The second brand of liquor fills in anytime the first brand isn't available and may become your drink of choice if they stop making the first altogether.

I have convinced myself that if I really had a sexual addiction problem, I wouldn't be so selective and picky. I would be trying to sleep with everyone that I could and I am not. I choose quality over quantity and as long as my partner and I have our sexual needs met by each other, I don't need anyone else.

Intercourse has to be passionate and has to be beyond physical pleasure for my gratification. I use more than just my reproductive organs, I use my eyes, hands, mouth, and most importantly my mind. I need to connect with a partner on a level beyond physical climax.

Strangely enough, my sexual gratification revolves around me. However, one of the things that I find the most fulfilling to my ego and desires is the ability to pleasure others. I need to know that I can pleasure someone else in the way and level that they need to pleasure me. In not making sex all about me has in fact made it all about me.

 

I am not an addict, I just need sex.

Original Erotic Fiction - "Living On The Other Side"

A Note from the Satin Sheets Team:

In addition to being fun, insightful and interested in all things sexy... many of our contributors are talented erotica authors. This blog will also be a place for each of us to share our work. Our first feature is by Crystal P. Rogers. A brief preview of the story is below. To read the rest of the story just visit our fiction page

Happy Reading!
**********************

This is a story of living life with a secret.  Living on the other side of what people see.  Jasmine was sweet enough or so people thought.  She was gentle, somewhat quiet and often times shy.  She believed wholeheartedly that what people didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them.  In her case, that was true.  No one would believe the secret desires that were always floating somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind.  Inhibitions…she possessed very few when it came to her private life.  

Online Dating Profiles - Part 1: The Basics

For many years, I’ve been on and off several dating sites, each with their own impressive claims with regard to how many users successfully use the site to meet the ideal mate.  Most of the options require users to enter a good deal of personal information and other content to facilitate matching very specific and possibly quirky interests.  Ideally, the system should be able to help anyone find quality dates, and the capability most definitely exists.  A fair amount of my personal friends met through online dating; some even married and started families.  So what’s the problem?  For a growing number of us, either the system itself does not work or even with a good system, we approach online dating with very different assumptions and attitudes which tend to limit the number or quality of dates.  In the next few entries, I’ll explain the particulars of how we can change the way we think about the system and the way we use the system to yield a greater percentage of quality dates.

Based on my most recent browsing, people want to meet everyone from their next regrettable one night stand to their soul mate.  And though many sites offer the choice to select which types of relationships you’d like, the self-marketing doesn’t seem to change.  Even across sites (with the exception of very specific niche sites), the guided profile sections provided by the site and the type of information users typically enter look almost the same.  For the average user who is reasonably interested (using a free site, passively dating) in meeting quality people who meet the requisite standards of long-term potential, I think we can all agree on a few basic assumptions which can help us continue our searches.

What type of dating are you into?

Can we agree to generally ignore the “Interested In” blocks or at least to fill them out the same (long-term, short-term)?  Ideally, we’d all like our next date to be our last date.  Even for the most cynical of us, meeting someone we instantly know we’d like to see on the regular causes us to pause and to not expend as much effort looking for plan B or C.  And whether we like to admit it, many of us are willing to settle for short-term (possibly non-exclusive) companionship, romance, or purely physical intimacy if a person we meet is great but not quite on the level for one reason or another.  Given that we all eventually want the same thing and are forced to compromise on occasion, can we please not get too hung up on the “Interested In” options?

What do I expect to accomplish with a profile?

For the sake of managing expectations and minimizing stress, let’s agree that a good profile and solid e-mail exchanges should only land you a date: a one-time block on that person’s calendar to exchange pleasantries, to share some pleasant conversation, and, if the two of you agree, to negotiate the location and activity of a second date.  In other words, writing an award-winning profile does not get you to your soul mate any faster than a very basic one, and in fact, you will probably be far less frustrated if you simply write a clear and concise profile that gives a potential date a good idea of what to expect on a first date with you.  In my next installment, I’ll discuss what I believe are some of the competing interests in profile creation (privacy vs. clarity).  In the meantime, keep it simple and don’t give up forever if you haven’t found what you’re looking for yet.